


R.F.O (I'm Not A Medical Professional Remix)

by betamax524



Category: X-Men (Alternate Timeline Movies)
Genre: (or the irresponsible use thereof), Alternate Universe - Modern: Still Have Powers, Charles Is a Big Dorkface, Erik Being Cocky, Erik is Crushing Harder than a 12-year Old Girl, Honestly Charles What Are You Thinking, M/M, Poor Charles, Sex Toys, potentially medically unsafe procedures
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-10
Updated: 2016-09-10
Packaged: 2018-08-14 05:19:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,866
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8000038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/betamax524/pseuds/betamax524
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Someone is definitely NOT licensed to do this, a vibrator goes where it shouldnt, and Charles can't catch a break.</p>
            </blockquote>





	R.F.O (I'm Not A Medical Professional Remix)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [letosatie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/letosatie/gifts).
  * Inspired by [R.F.O.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1831189) by [letosatie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/letosatie/pseuds/letosatie). 



> this is honestly one of my fav crack scenarios tbh :~)

“I’m an art student. That’s about as far as you can get from anything health-related ever,” Erik says, his phone pressed between his ear and shoulder as he takes notes on Peter Paul Rubens’ works. “Can’t you just drive him to the ER, or something?”

  


“Yeah, no,” Raven huffs on the other line. “One, your powers are just what we need right now and two, my brother’s a telepath and he’s… leaking his feelings all over the place right now.” 

  


“That sounds unfortunate,” Erik says blankly.

  


“It  _ is _ ,” Raven snaps, “And you’re also the only other person I know who has experience with stuff like this. Telepath stuff.”

  


Erik hums, leaning back in his chair to debate his choices. He could drive to Raven’s and help her brother with whatever medical emergency they had, or he could stay home, continue his work, and face Raven’s wrath the next day.

  


“Okay, I’ll help your brother. But you  _ owe  _ me, Raven,” Erik says.

  


“ _ Finally _ .”

  


* * *

  


The first thing Erik notices when he pulls up outside Raven’s apartment is a faint, distant…  _ buzzing  _ that his powers can sense. It comes off as a strange static in his head that’s starting to make his head ache, which is always a good sign.

  


Raven meets him in the lobby looking pissed and tired, so the elevator ride to her floor is awkwardly silent. Once they’ve made it inside her apartment, she all but drags him to a door and says, “He’s in there.”

  


“What, you’re not going to explain what I have to do?”

  


“I’m pretty sure you can figure it out,” is all Raven says before pushing him into the room and slamming the door shut. Which leaves Erik staring at some guy lying down on a bed who looks far too young to be Raven’s older brother.

  


“You must be Raven’s friend,” the guy breathes, and Erik definitely does not pick up on his vaguely British accent and red lips. Absolutely  _ not _ .

  


“Yes, that would be me,” Erik says slowly, “Now, Raven didn’t  _ exactly  _ tell me what I have to do, so…?” 

  


“Well, you see,” the guy says, biting at his lip, “I…  _ ah _ … I might have had an accident with a vibrator.”

  


They stare at each other for a minute or so, the static in Erik’s head getting loud enough for him to pick out a beat before he puts two and two together. “It’s stuck in your ass,” he says in disbelief. “It’s stuck in your ass and  _ it’s still vibrating _ .”

  


“Well, it sounds rather crass when you put it that way, but yes, it  _ is _ , and I would appreciate it if you could take it out,”

  


“You really should see a doctor, you know,” Erik says half-heartedly, trying to ignore those bright blue eyes and the telepathic sensation of desperation and need battering at his shields. “I mean, I have no medical training whatsoever except for some seminar on first aid I barely remember.”

  


“Or you could just get on with it, and  _ get this out of me _ ,” the guy hisses, cheeks getting even redder than they already are, and Erik’s brain has the gall to remember Peter Paul Rubens’ works.

  


“Okay so-- I need to turn it off first, because it’s giving me a headache,” Erik says, walking slowly to the edge of the bed. “Lift up your shirt so I can feel around for it.”

  


“You’re quite forward,” the guy mutters, pushing up his shirt, and Erik valiantly ignores the flushed, pale skin he’s suddenly face to face with.

  


“I don’t see the point in beating around the bush when you’re the one with a sex toy up your ass, but be my guest,” Erik replies, settling himself on the bed and definitely  _ not  _ thinking about other reasons for him to be there.

  


“If that’s the case, the name’s Charles,” he huffs, “Since we’re about to become quite intimate one way or another.”

  


“Name’s Erik, and I’m not going to put my fingers in your ass,” Erik says with one raised eyebrow, “So there’s no need to be all dramatic about it.” Without any further fanfare, he places one hand flat on Charles’ stomach, and the other on his hips to hold him down. “If you do anything stupid, I’m walking out the door and never coming back.”

  


“Not sure what your standards of stupid are, but alright,” Charles says. “Now can you  _ please  _ get started?” Erik rolls his eyes, because  _ really _ , but decides to shut up and focus on finding that goddamned vibrator first. Running his hand across Charles’ stomach, he reaches out with his powers, chasing the irritating static it's giving off. Finally, he senses an egg-shaped contraption and mercifully turns the damn thing off.

  


“Incredible,” Charles says breathlessly, “Your fine control is amazing.”

“Shut up,” Erik says, “We still need to get it out. Don’t get ahead of yourself.” He closes his eyes and furrows his brows, focusing on using his powers to pull slowly while trying to ignore Charles’ heavy breathing. He lets his hand slide further down, using it to help focus his powers.

  


Erik manages to pull the vibrator down a grand distance of 2 inches when he feels Charles squirm under him, and it jumps back half an inch. “Dreadfully sorry,” Charles mutters when Erik glares at him, “It’s just,  _ ah _ , well...”

  


“Well, what?” Erik says blankly.

  


“Would it be so goddamn hard to look  _ down _ , Erik?” Charles hisses through his teeth, and Erik’s about to pinch him for his sudden rudeness when he realizes just how close his hand is to a more...  _ interesting  _ part of Charles’ body.

  


“You can’t possibly be getting turned on by this,” Erik protests, despite all evidence to the contrary that, yes, Charles  _ is  _ getting turned on by this.

  


“You’re very attractive…?” Charles sheepishly says as some sort of explanation, complete with a half-hearted shrug that rustles the sheets. “I was… I was thinking we could have coffee sometime, actually, after this I mean. I mean, you’ve already seen everything--”

  


“Let me get this clear,” Erik says, clearing his throat, “You’re asking me out while you have a sex toy up your ass that I’m trying to pull out using my mutation?”

  


“... Yes?” Charles replies, the flush on his cheeks and chest even stronger now, and against every ounce of common sense Erik has, he finds himself agreeing. He’s even more thankful for his mental shields once his mind decides to betray him and run through various pornographic scenarios inspired by this inane situation.

  


“Alright,” Erik says, shamelessly letting himself indulge in Charles’ bright answering smile. “But I  _ really  _ have to get this out of you first.”

  


“Couldn’t you just pull it all out in one go?” Charles asks, chewing on his lower lip.

  


“Do you want it sliding out of your ass at 10 meters per hour?” Erik replies, snorting when Charles’ eyes widen in fear. “No? Then we’re going to do this the long way.”

  


“Just don’t take too long,” Charles mutters as he stretches out a bit, “It’s unbelievably irritating.”

  


“You literally have no one to blame but yourself,” Erik says, feeling around with his powers again. He pulls the vibrator down an inch or so, then another. “How do you even get a vibrator stuck up your ass?”

  


“It was an accident,” Charles says, blushing, “I might have gotten a little too...  _ enthusiastic _ .”

  


“Quite the understatement,” Erik snorts, ignoring the way Charles glares at him and rolls his eyes.

  


“Can you  _ hurry up _ instead of making fun of my problems?” Charles retorts, crossing his arms across his chest. “I assumed we’d be done by now.”

  


In a fit of naughtiness, Erik casually turns the vibrator back on to the highest setting, and the shock makes Charles yelp loudly, blushing to the roots of his hair.

  


“What was  _ that  _ for?!” he says, after Erik turns it back off with a snicker.

  


“Like I said, don’t get ahead of yourself. We’re almost done anyways.” Closing his eyes to really concentrate, Erik goes back to the arduous process of gently coaxing the vibrator down and out. Thankfully, Charles manages to keep quiet, only letting out a few whimpers and sighs that Erik ignores as he focuses on his work.

  


“Ah, Erik, it’s--” Charles mutters, “I think it’s almost out--”

  


_ Finally _ , Erik thinks, and with one last push of his power, it glides into his hand in all its neon pink glory. He spares it one raised eyebrow before throwing it over his shoulder, using his powers to make sure it lands safely in the trash can by the desk. “Well, glad that’s over with. You really should see a doctor, you know. Get it checked and all that.”

  


“That would be so embarrassing,” Charles groans.

  


“It would be far more embarrassing if you got sick and had to explain why,” Erik says flatly, getting off the bed and wiping his hands on his handkerchief.

  


“Fair point,” Charles says, gingerly sitting up on the bed. “Thank you for that, by the way.”

  


“No big deal,” Erik says with a shrug, making his way to the door. Before he leaves the room, though, he pauses and clears his throat. “If your--If your offer of a date still stands, ask Raven for my number.”

  


(Even with his shields still up, Erik can feel Charles giddy with anticipation, and like a teenager with a crush, Erik can’t help but smile to himself. Not even Raven knocking him on the head for flirting with her brother can bring his mood down.)

  
  


* * *

  


Edie comes to visit them on Erik’s birthday the next year, fussing over the both of them and cooking enough food for them to share with everyone else on the apartment floor. After sending out the last of the extra food, Edie sends Erik off into the kitchen to wash the dishes.

  


“Ma, it’s my  _ birthday _ ,” Erik says with an exaggerated pout, “I’m supposed to be free from chores.”

  


“Nonsense,” Edie replies, shooing him into the kitchen, “Besides, I want to talk to Charles here without you interrupting.” Erik, ever the mama’s boy, rolls his eyes and kisses Edie on the cheek before disappearing into the kitchen.

  


“I’m a bit nervous, Mrs. Lehnsherr,” Charles says jokingly, ushering Edie back to the table and getting a glass of water for each of them.

  


“Oh, don’t be silly,” Edie says, “Ah, but Charles, you know, my boy never told me how the two of you met! Just how did you two get together, hm?”

  


Charles’ first reaction, of course, is to choke on the water he’s drinking. Erik,  _ damn  _ him, is in the kitchen struggling to hold back his laughter, and sends him the mental equivalent of a cheeky thumbs-up.

  


“Erik, ah, he was… gracious enough to help me during an emergency, despite,  _ er _ , not being a medical professional,” Charles says weakly with forced smile on his face. Thankfully, Edie accepts this with nothing more than a confused nod, and Charles almost sighs in relief.

  


(It’s okay though, because Charles gets his revenge later that night by riding Erik and making him beg until all the doorknobs in their apartment are melted shut. It’s all good.)

  


***


End file.
